BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.