@ArfMeasures

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

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@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: I was named after my grandfather.

Me: Of course you were, he was born first.

@iwearaonesie

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

@ClaytonSykes

Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.

@xLiserx

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

@BuckyIsotope

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

@allison_mick

FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE

@Daveastated

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

@3sunzzz

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.