Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”