Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Name this drama.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.