Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
titanic
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Just why bro?!
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it