Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter