Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines