bout dat hot dog summer
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Happy Caturday!
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.