Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
what’s more important?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”