@atstephenbell

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article

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@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on

@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

@mostlysharks

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

@Playing_Dad

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

@mydmac

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.