me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day