I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.