Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I have so many questions.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.