@decentbirthday

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

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@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@PoshTick

me wanna hear a one liner?

friend: ok sure

me: ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

friend: holy shit that’s good

@bobvulfov

if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

@WakeVII

Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.