BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
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[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate