box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
philosophical skeletons be like
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]