Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.