Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
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Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”
Lobsters gonna lobst.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.