“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
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me: wow it’s hot down here
guy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?
In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
SM: *starts sweating*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.