@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

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@YAppelbaum

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

@CanadianBeave13

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

@IAmMaggieMull

The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@stevevsninjas

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.