@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

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@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

@Mindless4Miles

The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.

@ScorpionDong

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars

@BigJDubz

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@ms_woodsy

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.