@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

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@UncleDuke1969

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

@PatsATweetin

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

@BigJDubz

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@NicestHippo

In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water

@fro_vo

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

@_ElvishPresley_

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

@Kyle_Lippert

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

@mommajessiec

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.