her: i love mysterious guys
me: [in the bushes] good
Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
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The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.
*gets down on one knee*
UPPERCUTS MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE
Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.