@cerealtndencies

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@NicestHippo

Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Hallucinating
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@jake_likes_naps

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

@kiel_phillips

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@slobear

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

@Darlainky

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.