Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.