@cerealtndencies

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

@dril

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

@The_Sculptress

I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.

@BigOlBossman

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

@galvinchow

PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6

@OhioMomoftwo

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.