Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Noah was an idiot.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.