Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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still the best tweet of the year by far
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”