Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
How software testing works
WHY?!
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
This fish is cracking me up
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.