[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about