[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

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Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL


They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.


Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it


I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.


*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”


Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.


I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are


[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*