Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.