[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.