“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”
“Nailed it. Next state.”
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs