[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.