Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Sickayduh

“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”

@gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@SentenceReduced

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

@Jake_Vig

Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.

@robotrowboat

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

@TheHyyyype

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

@stephenjmolloy

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

@LostFelicia

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

@Darlainky

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs