Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The first matador
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold