*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.