Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress