BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.
I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]