Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”