@brendohare

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

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@TenuredRadical

BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.

I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.

@MinedOvaMatter

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

@RedRegenerated

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

@jessicaa1017

Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary