@brendohare

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

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@ComedicBust

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@mishakey

I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.

@sreekyshooter

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

@jjhartinger

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.

@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews