Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When news reporters do sports stories
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
No way!
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!