Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.