Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”