Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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British websites use biscuits.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Don’t touch that.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Customize Your Wedding.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed