Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”