boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.