boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling


My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.


Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!


If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time


People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs