@rockyandthesun

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

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@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

@tastefactory

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

@AimeeHelene1

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

@MelvinofYork

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

@mynameisntdave

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs