boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.