@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

You Might Also Like

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

@AtypicalMama

H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies

@krishna_van

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

@KoKeniSasquatch

I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic