Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!