I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Boy: Mike’s dad?
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.
A cat is like having a permanent teenager.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic