Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
You Might Also Like
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud