Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Cannot stop laughing at this
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.