Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*