boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.


Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!


$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.


Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door


Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?


Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!


After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.


[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]


[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on


Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*