boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets