@thomas_violence

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

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@WilliamAder

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

@GingerHotDish

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@coolauntV

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

@N9_L5

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

@mom_tho

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

@pleatedjeans

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*