I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast