Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
That’s what I call a flat tire
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Challenge accepted.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*