@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s

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@tastefactory

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@internetluke

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@OtherDanOBrien

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

@AnOrangeSNES

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

@Carbosly

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping