“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
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ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Sucks the USA lost. Now we can’t keep watching TV at work.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping