@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

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@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@Marlebean

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

@GingerFactor

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

@marcia_bee

Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.

@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

@GrumpyComments

If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@JPLFR80

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭