IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah
*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭