Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
The Sun
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.