Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Teach your children to beatbox
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.