Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know