Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

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Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.


My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night


**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars


COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad


I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type