@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

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@LosLos__

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

@JillianKarger

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

@Merman_Melville

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type