Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type