Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
this could fix me
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Bill is short for Billiam
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs