Boy never ceases to amaze me
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Reporter: *ports again*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?