Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming
They did not think through this water fountain
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs