Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

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I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.


That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!


Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming


“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.


At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs