boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
🤣🤣
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?