[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.