[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped