Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in


[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea


*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?


If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.


Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list