Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Yup.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*