Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

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People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself






I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space


*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”


Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.


Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.


I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.


Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children