boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”


Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.


Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.


LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied


*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*


[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this


Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.


My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.