[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*
[before police questioning]
MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs
RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this
Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.
I laughed and called him optimistic.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.