Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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*repeatedly uses air quotes while giving your wedding toast*
“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
Twilight drinking game rules:
1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”