@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

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@david8hughes

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@andylevy

*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*

@portmanteauface

[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this

@tackie_jackie

Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.