boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

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Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.


Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.


Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.


Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*


Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?


You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.


Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?


[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands