@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

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@ScottLinnen

Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.

@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

@ThugRaccoons

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

@WorldofWid

Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@simoncholland

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

@noog

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands