@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

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@fishbowel

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

@poopiest

“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@agathagotstoned

If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.

@DadInUtah

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

@jon_albo

Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.

@AlanFelyk

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

@shelbyfero

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”