Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You Might Also Like
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.